Trials

We all struggle with things,big and small.  The nice thing is that when you get married you have someone to share the burden with.  For instance, *preparing to share something personal*, Steven and I have been struggling while trying to have a baby.  We don't know why it isn't working, but my body just doesn't want to cooperate.  I find myself being really low and miserable at least once a month (usually when I start my period) and I cry a lot because "I don't know what's taking so long!", "I'm never gonna be a mom!", or "I can't give Steven a baby!".  I don't like to let Steven in on how much I'm hurting, but occasionally he'll see it or sense something.  In those moments, when he hugs me, talks to me, and just lets me cry, I feel so much closer to him! I feel like we're sharing the burden and I'm no longer on my own.

Helping each other to shoulder the load is a fantastic way to strengthen emotional intimacy.  The doors are open to discussion and we know we have someone to talk to and release the pressure of our trials.  Just because we tell each other our problems doesn't mean they're going to go away, but suddenly it doesn't weigh as much.  Talk about things that bother you at work or at school or with your friends.  Talk about having a hard time perfecting a talent.  Talk about anything that you're struggling with and then let your loved one comfort you.  It's hard, sometimes, to let others in on the fact that not everything comes easily to you.  We have pride and we don't always like to tell people that we're sad, but we should.  Nobody should be alone in their trials, and that is another reason God gave us marriage.

Kind Words

Today, Joyce (the 80-something year old woman we're living with) informed me that Larry (her 70-something year old husband) has never complimented her cooking.  This made me sad.  I didn't know if I was going to post anything today because nothing had come up.... but here it is.

I'm going to talk a lot about these people because they really are beginning to leave an impression.  Married for 50 years and not once has he complimented her cooking?  This is something she takes pride in and loves to do, or used to, and now she doesn't care to try.  This is something we can all learn from.

Kind words between spouses are so important because it lets our loved one know they are appreciated and respected.  We all have something we're proud of and there's nobody who's support and compliments are more important than those of our spouse.  Marriage is a tiny little support group that has a huge effect and we ought to make an effort to, once again, be aware of each others' feelings.

Media and Marriage

How are we affected in our relationships by the media?  Not about when we see representations of how it "ought to be", but I mean simply the time these things take up in our lives.

How many hours a day are you on the computer or watching TV?  Or both simultaneously??  You could think to yourself (and I'm certainly guilty of this), "We spend time together every day!  We love to watch movies and TV shows together."  I could do that with my worst enemy.  All you have to do is sit there and stare.  You're focused on the same thing, but it's not each other.

I found this online.  (Are they watching the Food Network?)

I love television.  And I love the internet!  (Hello!  I'm a blogger!)  But "all good things in moderation".  Over the last week, Steven and I have limited our TV and internet time to what is, for us, a major improvement.  (This was actually a happy accident brought on by living with old people and the disappointment of losing about 20 inches off the screen size we're used to.)  The TV used to be on all day every day... except Sundays.  And now we have some peace and quiet, and, more importantly, time for each other.  We have found other ways to spend our time!  If you will limit your hours of media a day, I promise it will make a difference in the intimacy levels in your marriage.  And not only between you two, but the emotional intimacy among your whole household!!!

As far as how this could relate to the bedroom, did you know that couples with a television in their room have sex 50% less frequently than those who keep it in the living room?  Wow.  Steven and I learned that early in our marriage and have vowed to NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have a TV in our bedroom.  I can't imagine that many people find a movie more enticing than physical intimacy with their spouse, and I bet even fewer know about this statistic.  So spread the word!

P.S.  TV is awesome and I would never say cut it out entirely.  That's personal preference.

Loving Extended Family

My Wonderful In-Laws... No, really!!! <3

In-laws.  For some of you, that could be the end of this post and you would just nod your head and say "amen"...  But it's not that simple.  It's common to not get along with the in-laws, but not the rule.  How do we become the exception?  First of all, recognize that those people raised this person you fell in love with.  If you love what they created, can they really be all that bad?  (That's just something you can tell yourself.)  That being said, parents can become a big frustration.  But them becoming a frustration is what we want to avoid!  Respect is the key.  It's often the case that someone will come into our lives that we think does not deserve our respect.  If this happens to be one or both of your in-laws, try very hard to find one thing about them that is respectable.  That can be hard, depending upon the individual, but it is possible.

Sometimes they are intrusive.  Can this be helped?  Yes.  As long as there is open communication and boundaries are set.  We need to be honest with each other, and when something arrises that makes one uncomfortable or upset we need to help the other be aware.... Just remember that is must come from a place of love.

Now, I've seen circumstances in which even communication doesn't help because one side is not open to communication (or not willing to accept that their opinions about how someone else's marriage should be operated are not law).  When this is the case, what can you do?  Well, if someone tries to come between you and your spouse, you would cut them out, wouldn't you?  I'm not saying you should cut off your in-laws for just any reason.... but sometime, when, for instance, there is a conflict between in-laws that is beginning to cause serious problems in your marriage, drastic measures are needed.  Two examples from the New Testament come to mind:

And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee... 

-Matthew 18:9


and

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 

-Mark 10:7-9

In reference to the first scripture, let's not take advantage here and say "well my mother-in-law said I'm a terrible cook and it hurt my feelings.  Cast her out!"  We're talking about something serious, and it should handled with the utmost care and consideration.

In reference to the second, when we marry we are no longer our parents' child, but our spouse's spouse.  This is the second most important relationship we have in this life, just below our relationship to God.  We must make every effort to have peace in our families so our marriages can thrive.

I love my husband.  And I love my in-laws!  I have a special relationship with them and am forever grateful for the blessings they have brought to my life.  I hope everyone can work at these things and have a feeling of love in their hearts for those who ought to be closest to them.

Back Again.

We have recently relocated to Washington state.  Steven is beginning an internship with B/E Aerospace, so that's exciting!  The good (for the sake of this blog) news is that there are marital issues arising all over the country, so I'm not short of material....  especially because we are being hosted for 4 months by an old married couple preparing to celebrate their 50th anniversary.  Lots to learn from them, good and bad.

Let's start with intimacy in the bedroom.  We aren't talking about sex, we are talking about the simple act of sleeping.  When you sleep next to your spouse, it creates a closeness and it gives you the opportunity to make the last thing you do before you close your eyes be to kiss them goodnight.  That's intimacy.  But when you sleep in separate rooms...??????  Um hello!  Do you not see a problem here?  This is actually more common than I would have thought.  For one thing, what does this say to your children?  Mommy and Daddy don't sleep in the same room?  That has dysfunction written all over it.

To share a bed mean so much and can even be symbolic.  You're sharing place of comfort, a place of rest, and a place your own.  Apart from the rest of the home where perhaps guests and children have taken over, this is a special room for the two of you.  Take advantage of the right you have to sharing a bed with your spouse.  It's ok.  You're married.  ;)

After a long break.....

I'm back.  Today I read a quote that goes: "Love is when you find someone who doesn't meet any of your standards and yet you still say, "Finally, I've found the right one."  Let me be bold in saying that this is a lie.  Love is not compromising your standards and letting go of all that you hoped to find in a spouse just because you found someone you lust after, or maybe this one likes you and you don't want to risk not finding someone else for a long time... both of which are common examples of what causes us to rethink our standards in the first place. Compromises are certainly a part of marriage but when it comes to our standards we should not be persuaded to toss them aside.  Maybe you don't want someone who yells.  It could be a lot of things, although there are certainly limits.  For instance, you may have a list of qualities your ideal spouse would possess that includes things like "he's great with cars", or "she always has painted toenails".  Some things, while a nice idea, are not crucial to a happy marriage.  On the other hand, there are things like "he/she respects and supports me", or "he/she controls their temper"... These are things we should hold on to.  A marriage is placed on the path of failure when one or both parties surrender their standards.

Thank You

I would just like to take today to thank all of those who recognize the importance of marriage; those who try and try, and are happy to say that they're happy.  I am so grateful for good examples who brought me to the point of knowing how to succeed.  I am grateful for you who put your spouses before yourselves.  I am thankful that marriage can succeed.... because it can.  Thank you to those who have kept love alive for many, many years.  Thank you for giving the rest of us hope.  <3