Brief Message About Sex

Getting on the same page, sexually, can be a challenge.  But it's a special and sacred thing within the bonds of matrimony and should be explored and improved!  Talk to each other.  It might be awkward at first, but it is so important to discuss each other's likes and dislikes, things you may crave or making clear things that you will NEVER want to try... these all factor in to attaining a satisfying sex life.  So in this short message, that is what I hope you take away.  Don't be afraid to let your spouse know what you want.

The Family: A Proclamation to the Family

Today I'm going to let someone else do the talking.  From the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.


WWW.LDS.ORG

Quality Time

Yesterday was my anniversary (<3) so please excuse my absence.  I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day.

Let's talk about quality time...

To strengthen the intimacy in marriage, it's important that you spend time together.  That's obvious, isn't it?  You'd think so.  Unfortunately there are a lot of couples who think that their marriage will thrive, even if they don't make time for each other and share each other's interests.  Interests are a biggy.  My husband, for example, is a HUGE sports fan.  Before I met him I didn't really care at all about those things.  However, I want to share those things, so I have taken an interest.  And you know what?  It's awesome.  I like sports a lot, but most of all I love that we have something new to talk about.  We have something we can do together, and I'm not dragging my feet.  I make him feel like I care (which I do).  I know it can be hard.  We often resist new things, but it can open a whole new world to us!  And find NEW hobbies!  Start new traditions and activities together.  It brings you so close, and you wouldn't want them to find someone else to share all their passions with, would you?

Taking an interest  <3  Best husband ever.

Loving Yourself

I recently watched an interview with Miley Cyrus.  She mentioned that she had been hanging out with some girlfriends and they were talking about boys and she said that most of them "base their worth on the sexual favors they can do for a man."  How sad.  That sparked an interest, so not only are we going to talk about sexual intimacy today, but also about the personal emotional intimacy that we must feel with ourselves.

Physical intimacy is something we are all entitled to, but that doesn't mean we get to take advantage of our partner's body.  Sex isn't supposed to be something we dread, so if one of you is not in the mood, don't force it.  As women, we need to feel confident that if we say "no" every once in a while, our husbands will not stop loving us.  As men, you must learn that just because we aren't ready to go it doesn't reflect poorly on you.  Sometimes no just means later, not "I never wanna have sex with you again!"

It is important to be confident.  We must be self-assured and comfortable with ourselves if we are to be happy.... because how can you be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself?  Girls, you have so much more to offer than your bodies.  Guys, the world doesn't revolve around sex and you have to know that you've got a lot more going for you.  Be secure.  Practice affirmations like:  "I am worthy of love," or "I am equal to my spouse."  Remember that the relationship you build with yourself is worth everything and that having a happy marriage is dependent upon love all around.

Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy can be a tough one.  What does it mean to be spiritually intimate with your spouse?  Well, those of us who are religious tend to take what we believe seriously.  We live a life that exemplifies our faith, and it only makes sense that we would want someone who is on the same page.  There are marriages, of course, that involve 2 people of different faiths, and perhaps it works out for them in the end.  But there is no denying that spiritual mismatches can cause conflict, sadness, concern, and hurt on one or both sides.  That being said, if you are already in that kind of a situation, it is important that you:

1.  Do not compromise your beliefs.  You do not have to, nor should you, change this big part of yourself to please someone else.

2.  Respect the other's faith.  You married this person.  You knew what they believed and you can't expect that they will change.  If your plan was to marry them, then convert them, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Not that that never happens, but the success rate is nothing to brag about.

For those of us who share one religion or spiritual belief between ourselves and our spouse, that doesn't always  mean you're going to be in sync all the time.  There are many aspects to faith, and what one of you may deem SO important, the other may feel is just a guideline, or a nice idea but not for them.  This is where the intimacy comes in.  Talk to each other.  If your spouse feels strongly about something and you don't feel the same way, discuss what can be done to find a middle ground.... or, if you want to be a hero to your loved one, just do it.  Usually the things that we feel strongly about in religion can only make us better.

Being on the same page creates unity in marriage.  Trying to understand one another is a great way to strengthen that unity and grow closer as a husband and wife.  Spiritual intimacy is such a significant part of a relationship.  If you do not believe all the same things, it doesn't mean you are doomed to fail.... but the fundamentals must be discussed and agreed upon in order for you to succeed.  Know what you believe so you can have peace, and so that when children come along you know what they are going to learn growing up.  That is, a lot of the time, what it comes down to.  We can often deal with our spouse not believing exactly the same way we do, but thinking about our posterity and what they will learn from us can be intense.  We'll talk about that more another time.

Patience

Marriage is work.  We all know how it goes..... Maybe one of you is a clean freak and hates to see a dirty sock lying NEXT to the hamper instead of in it.  There are a lot of scenarios like this one, so I won't list them off.  You know what they are.  The point is, generally these things are barely worth mentioning on the scale of importance.  Patience is a key principle in marriage and we would all benefit if we practiced it a little more.  Often our patience is tested by things we later recognize as.... stupid.  For instance, let me share a story with you that paints a perfect picture of what I'm talking about:

A woman had her kitchen organized just the way she liked.  She usually did the cooking and the cleaning, fulfilling her wifely duties as a happy little homemaker.  Her husband, often busy with work and school, decided to be helpful.  What a kind thought, to do the dishes for his wonderful wife.  He first unloaded the dishwasher.  He put the plates and cups in one cupboard, the pots and pans under the stove, and the silverware in the drawer.  (Do you know where this is going?)  He put the cutting board in the cabinet above the sink, along with the liquid measuring cups and mixing bowls.  Then he preceded to load.  He put the bowls and cups on top, the plates and big things on bottom, and the silverware all willy-nilly in the basket.  He started it and walked away, feeling very good about himself, happy to help his wife.

The next day, the woman is in the kitchen preparing to make a meal.  She takes out the vegetables, the knife, and..... wait.  Where's the cutting board?  She knows she put it in the dishwasher, so it should be in the cupboard below the counter.  She has to search the kitchen and finally finds it above the sink.  She says to her husband, "Why did you put this above the sink?!  It goes down here!  I hate having to search for things in my own kitchen!"

Never mind that the man had set aside the things he could have done for entertainment or relaxation.  Never mind that he thought he was doing her a favor.  How likely do you think it is that he will offer his services again, now that she has come across as ungrateful and naggy?

How do we better approach a situation like this?  When something is done in a way we would have done differently, it is always better to come across as grateful, understanding, and PATIENT.  She could have said, "Sweetheart, thank you so much for doing the dishes.  For future reference, the cutting board actually goes down here."  There are far too many people who jump down their loved ones' throats when a simple explanation is all it takes.  We have to be patient if we want our marriage to last.  Otherwise, we'll get angry one too many times and perhaps just throw in the towel.  This is not the way it should be.  Like I said in the beginning, marriage is work.  So work hard and allow each other a few mistakes.

Dating... And a little about me

Let's talk a little about me...  Just so you know who you're taking advice from. ;)  I come from a family where divorce is rampant.  I'm an observer of families, especially couples.  I like to believe I've learned from the mistakes of others, and from my own.  I am passionate about creating functional marriages and helping others where I can.  I am not a doctor, I'm a hairstylist (which on its own opens my eyes to a world of people-who-need-help).... but I'm gonna be going to school soon to major in Marriage and Family Studies, with a minor in psychology.  I can't wait!  I'm not an expert on paper, but I feel that my experiences and observations have given me a good insight. So take all I say, think about it, and decide what works for you.

They Are So In Love!

Now I want to address something more on-topic.  Just briefly, I want to talk about dating.  When I got married, we were advised by someone very wise to date once a week.  As college students we don't make a lot of money, but dating is still possible and we follow that council.  In fact, someone else just recently reiterated to us the importance of this resolution!  You don't have to go out to dinner and a movie... in fact, that gets boring.  Dating is spending time together.  Sometimes, we call grocery shopping our date night.  Sometimes that's all we can do.  There are some great ideas if you Google "cheap date ideas for married couples".  Dating is an important step in keeping love alive.  It's how we nurture our marriage!  I hear so many people say "We just don't have time or money for dating now that we have kids."  But you know what?  There are a lot of other people that feel that way, and I know that a lot of the concern is paying for a babysitter.  If you find that couple that feels the same way you do (which isn't hard), you can trade off babysitting!  Even if it's just every other week, or maybe once a month... it's a great deal to make.  You can just drop them off and have a lovely evening at home.  I myself do not yet have any children, so many might say I don't understand.  Maybe I don't.  I do know that having children is a blessing, but you can't let it hinder the romance.

P.S. How's it coming with giving 100%?

First Point

The topic of intimacy is often something that can make us uncomfortable... especially because we immediately think about sex, and that can be awkward.  But because that is one thing that really seems to put a stress on so many marriages (especially new marriages where the couple may still be trying to get in sync), this is what I want to address first.

Sexual intimacy is essential to a properly functioning marriage.  Why?  Sex brings us close.  Closer than we could ever hope to be in any plutonic relationship.  It creates a bond that strengthens our love, and not only that...  IT'S FUN!  And shouldn't we have fun together?  That is how we should perceive sex.  Not just as something we're obligated to do because - especially as women - we feel that sex is all we have to offer, or that our spouse will stop loving us if we don't put out... but it should be something we WANT to do - for ourselves, as well as for our spouse.  We've all read the magazines that talk about the benefits of sex, and it's true!  It can improve our physical and mental health, ward off a cold, or make us feel like we're on top of the world.  Sex is so important.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:

While men are most often the ones to initiate sexual intimacy, women do not as frequently feel like this is the most important thing.  We want to feel loved and appreciated as a woman and we want to feel sexy, but we don't always want to jump right into bed.  A man tends to feel loved when sex is involved.  What about women?  We are more emotionally stimulated.  We are all about quality time, conversation, and acts of service (Check out The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman).  Sure we enjoy a good romp, but we don't always value it the way a man does.  It is important to us that our husbands show us how much they appreciate us on an emotional level and make sure to cater to our emotions, but girls - the same applies to us when it comes to sex.  We may not feel the same carnal need that men do, but we love them and we want them to be happy and satisfied.  So this is a challenge I issue for the week:  Help your spouse feel loved and appreciated, in whatever way they deem most valuable.  Think 100% about the other - That is the most important lesson in marriage.  It is not a 50/50 thing.  If you both give 100%, you can and will BOTH be happy.