After a long break.....

I'm back.  Today I read a quote that goes: "Love is when you find someone who doesn't meet any of your standards and yet you still say, "Finally, I've found the right one."  Let me be bold in saying that this is a lie.  Love is not compromising your standards and letting go of all that you hoped to find in a spouse just because you found someone you lust after, or maybe this one likes you and you don't want to risk not finding someone else for a long time... both of which are common examples of what causes us to rethink our standards in the first place. Compromises are certainly a part of marriage but when it comes to our standards we should not be persuaded to toss them aside.  Maybe you don't want someone who yells.  It could be a lot of things, although there are certainly limits.  For instance, you may have a list of qualities your ideal spouse would possess that includes things like "he's great with cars", or "she always has painted toenails".  Some things, while a nice idea, are not crucial to a happy marriage.  On the other hand, there are things like "he/she respects and supports me", or "he/she controls their temper"... These are things we should hold on to.  A marriage is placed on the path of failure when one or both parties surrender their standards.

Thank You

I would just like to take today to thank all of those who recognize the importance of marriage; those who try and try, and are happy to say that they're happy.  I am so grateful for good examples who brought me to the point of knowing how to succeed.  I am grateful for you who put your spouses before yourselves.  I am thankful that marriage can succeed.... because it can.  Thank you to those who have kept love alive for many, many years.  Thank you for giving the rest of us hope.  <3

Financial Agreement

I've asked permission to share a dear friend's story, so here it is:

My friend has been married for 20-something years.  She is married to a good man, and they have BEAUTIFUL children and grandchildren.  From the outside looking in, they have a fabulous marriage with limited problems.... but that's not the case.  A few years back, my friend had to close a business in which she had invested several thousand dollars.  The husband, afraid of being dragged down with her, proclaimed his financial independence.  He said, "you're on your own".

Point 1:  In a marriage, there is no "on your own".

So she had to open her own bank account and make her own money.  For years she has not had a husband to help her financially.  Now more present, a situation has come about (by no fault of this self-sacrificing, all-giving woman) that requires her to hire a lawyer.  When it first came up, her husband said, once again, "you're on your own".  He just doesn't have time for this nonsense.

Point 2:  You must always make time for your spouse when they are in need.

The husband has minor surgery coming up, and will not be able to work for a little while.  When this came up, he said to my friend, "I'm going to need you to support me for a few months while I rest."  It's hard to imagine the kind of humility one has to have to not say "Excuse me?!  You have left me financially responsible for myself for years and now you want me to help you?!"  But, although she has some hard feelings, she knows it is in the interest of their marriage to do what she can.

Point 3:  Self-sacrifice is sometimes necessary.

Hello Again

I spent the weekend in the mountains with my family and wonderful husband, so I didn't have access to the computer.  Pardon me.

But it's a brand new week and I want to address, again, the topic of physical intimacy.  I know a couple who never showed affection.  Holding hands was a rarity, let alone intimacy in the bedroom.  In fact, things got so cold that the husband ended up sleeping downstairs most nights.  He wanted to share that kind of a relationship with his wife, but she just "wasn't raised to be that way".  Her parents were the same way.  Her parents lived with it.... this couple, however, did not.  They are now divorced.  There were other factors, of course, but the truth of the matter is that a marriage cannot thrive when the relationship is no more than two people living in the same house.  I cannot stress enough the importance of this part of marriage!!!  IT IS SOOOOOOO IMPORTANT!!!!!  If you were raised in a home where affection was limited, recognize a need for change in your own home.  Parents want us to grow up to be better than them, so even if they did show that affection, make an effort to show more.  No need to be inappropriate, but let your spouse know that you are attracted to them... and let your children see an appropriate amount of that affection.  A child wants to know that their parents are happy.  So show them.

How to "Fight"

How do you fight?  When a disagreement arises, how do you handle it?  I'll tell you one thing:  You'd better not yell.  Has a fight ever been solved, peace ever been attained, by screaming at each other?  No.  Even when the screaming ends and you go your separate ways, you haven't resolved anything.  It's just been put off until the next time.... and there WILL be a next time.

I am astounded at how many couples have a problem with this.  And the biggest part of the problem?  They don't realize it's wrong!!  Most of us are outwardly patient with almost everyone around us, and yet, when it comes to our family, we snap at the littlest things.  We've talked about patience, but let me just reiterate... BE PATIENT.  However, just because we're keeping a cool head, it doesn't mean that we're going to agree on everything... we just handle it better.  So when you disagree, here's what you do:

1. Hold hands.  It seems like a tough thing to be affectionate when you're upset with each other, but it works.  It helps to ease the tension and remind you that you love this person.


2. Remember you love this person!  This is the love of your life. If you're going to forgive anyone, shouldn't it be them?


3. Talk at a reasonable tone.  Do NOT yell.  You wouldn't yell at a stranger, so how dare you scream at the one person who is always there for you!


4. Discuss the problem.  Explain to your spouse the reason you are upset.  Be clear and descriptive, but not offensive.


5. Come up with a solution.  The discussion will be for nothing if you don't decide on a fix.  So agree to work together to solve the problem, and stick to it.  Try your hardest to please the other... Remember that we are giving 100%.

If this is the formula you use, you will be able to say truthfully that you never fight.  This isn't a fight.  It's a conversation that comes from love, and the topic is "how can we strengthen our marriage?"  When peace reigns in the home, our intimacy grows  --  Every bit of it.