Trials

We all struggle with things,big and small.  The nice thing is that when you get married you have someone to share the burden with.  For instance, *preparing to share something personal*, Steven and I have been struggling while trying to have a baby.  We don't know why it isn't working, but my body just doesn't want to cooperate.  I find myself being really low and miserable at least once a month (usually when I start my period) and I cry a lot because "I don't know what's taking so long!", "I'm never gonna be a mom!", or "I can't give Steven a baby!".  I don't like to let Steven in on how much I'm hurting, but occasionally he'll see it or sense something.  In those moments, when he hugs me, talks to me, and just lets me cry, I feel so much closer to him! I feel like we're sharing the burden and I'm no longer on my own.

Helping each other to shoulder the load is a fantastic way to strengthen emotional intimacy.  The doors are open to discussion and we know we have someone to talk to and release the pressure of our trials.  Just because we tell each other our problems doesn't mean they're going to go away, but suddenly it doesn't weigh as much.  Talk about things that bother you at work or at school or with your friends.  Talk about having a hard time perfecting a talent.  Talk about anything that you're struggling with and then let your loved one comfort you.  It's hard, sometimes, to let others in on the fact that not everything comes easily to you.  We have pride and we don't always like to tell people that we're sad, but we should.  Nobody should be alone in their trials, and that is another reason God gave us marriage.

Kind Words

Today, Joyce (the 80-something year old woman we're living with) informed me that Larry (her 70-something year old husband) has never complimented her cooking.  This made me sad.  I didn't know if I was going to post anything today because nothing had come up.... but here it is.

I'm going to talk a lot about these people because they really are beginning to leave an impression.  Married for 50 years and not once has he complimented her cooking?  This is something she takes pride in and loves to do, or used to, and now she doesn't care to try.  This is something we can all learn from.

Kind words between spouses are so important because it lets our loved one know they are appreciated and respected.  We all have something we're proud of and there's nobody who's support and compliments are more important than those of our spouse.  Marriage is a tiny little support group that has a huge effect and we ought to make an effort to, once again, be aware of each others' feelings.

Media and Marriage

How are we affected in our relationships by the media?  Not about when we see representations of how it "ought to be", but I mean simply the time these things take up in our lives.

How many hours a day are you on the computer or watching TV?  Or both simultaneously??  You could think to yourself (and I'm certainly guilty of this), "We spend time together every day!  We love to watch movies and TV shows together."  I could do that with my worst enemy.  All you have to do is sit there and stare.  You're focused on the same thing, but it's not each other.

I found this online.  (Are they watching the Food Network?)

I love television.  And I love the internet!  (Hello!  I'm a blogger!)  But "all good things in moderation".  Over the last week, Steven and I have limited our TV and internet time to what is, for us, a major improvement.  (This was actually a happy accident brought on by living with old people and the disappointment of losing about 20 inches off the screen size we're used to.)  The TV used to be on all day every day... except Sundays.  And now we have some peace and quiet, and, more importantly, time for each other.  We have found other ways to spend our time!  If you will limit your hours of media a day, I promise it will make a difference in the intimacy levels in your marriage.  And not only between you two, but the emotional intimacy among your whole household!!!

As far as how this could relate to the bedroom, did you know that couples with a television in their room have sex 50% less frequently than those who keep it in the living room?  Wow.  Steven and I learned that early in our marriage and have vowed to NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have a TV in our bedroom.  I can't imagine that many people find a movie more enticing than physical intimacy with their spouse, and I bet even fewer know about this statistic.  So spread the word!

P.S.  TV is awesome and I would never say cut it out entirely.  That's personal preference.

Loving Extended Family

My Wonderful In-Laws... No, really!!! <3

In-laws.  For some of you, that could be the end of this post and you would just nod your head and say "amen"...  But it's not that simple.  It's common to not get along with the in-laws, but not the rule.  How do we become the exception?  First of all, recognize that those people raised this person you fell in love with.  If you love what they created, can they really be all that bad?  (That's just something you can tell yourself.)  That being said, parents can become a big frustration.  But them becoming a frustration is what we want to avoid!  Respect is the key.  It's often the case that someone will come into our lives that we think does not deserve our respect.  If this happens to be one or both of your in-laws, try very hard to find one thing about them that is respectable.  That can be hard, depending upon the individual, but it is possible.

Sometimes they are intrusive.  Can this be helped?  Yes.  As long as there is open communication and boundaries are set.  We need to be honest with each other, and when something arrises that makes one uncomfortable or upset we need to help the other be aware.... Just remember that is must come from a place of love.

Now, I've seen circumstances in which even communication doesn't help because one side is not open to communication (or not willing to accept that their opinions about how someone else's marriage should be operated are not law).  When this is the case, what can you do?  Well, if someone tries to come between you and your spouse, you would cut them out, wouldn't you?  I'm not saying you should cut off your in-laws for just any reason.... but sometime, when, for instance, there is a conflict between in-laws that is beginning to cause serious problems in your marriage, drastic measures are needed.  Two examples from the New Testament come to mind:

And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee... 

-Matthew 18:9


and

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 

-Mark 10:7-9

In reference to the first scripture, let's not take advantage here and say "well my mother-in-law said I'm a terrible cook and it hurt my feelings.  Cast her out!"  We're talking about something serious, and it should handled with the utmost care and consideration.

In reference to the second, when we marry we are no longer our parents' child, but our spouse's spouse.  This is the second most important relationship we have in this life, just below our relationship to God.  We must make every effort to have peace in our families so our marriages can thrive.

I love my husband.  And I love my in-laws!  I have a special relationship with them and am forever grateful for the blessings they have brought to my life.  I hope everyone can work at these things and have a feeling of love in their hearts for those who ought to be closest to them.

Back Again.

We have recently relocated to Washington state.  Steven is beginning an internship with B/E Aerospace, so that's exciting!  The good (for the sake of this blog) news is that there are marital issues arising all over the country, so I'm not short of material....  especially because we are being hosted for 4 months by an old married couple preparing to celebrate their 50th anniversary.  Lots to learn from them, good and bad.

Let's start with intimacy in the bedroom.  We aren't talking about sex, we are talking about the simple act of sleeping.  When you sleep next to your spouse, it creates a closeness and it gives you the opportunity to make the last thing you do before you close your eyes be to kiss them goodnight.  That's intimacy.  But when you sleep in separate rooms...??????  Um hello!  Do you not see a problem here?  This is actually more common than I would have thought.  For one thing, what does this say to your children?  Mommy and Daddy don't sleep in the same room?  That has dysfunction written all over it.

To share a bed mean so much and can even be symbolic.  You're sharing place of comfort, a place of rest, and a place your own.  Apart from the rest of the home where perhaps guests and children have taken over, this is a special room for the two of you.  Take advantage of the right you have to sharing a bed with your spouse.  It's ok.  You're married.  ;)

After a long break.....

I'm back.  Today I read a quote that goes: "Love is when you find someone who doesn't meet any of your standards and yet you still say, "Finally, I've found the right one."  Let me be bold in saying that this is a lie.  Love is not compromising your standards and letting go of all that you hoped to find in a spouse just because you found someone you lust after, or maybe this one likes you and you don't want to risk not finding someone else for a long time... both of which are common examples of what causes us to rethink our standards in the first place. Compromises are certainly a part of marriage but when it comes to our standards we should not be persuaded to toss them aside.  Maybe you don't want someone who yells.  It could be a lot of things, although there are certainly limits.  For instance, you may have a list of qualities your ideal spouse would possess that includes things like "he's great with cars", or "she always has painted toenails".  Some things, while a nice idea, are not crucial to a happy marriage.  On the other hand, there are things like "he/she respects and supports me", or "he/she controls their temper"... These are things we should hold on to.  A marriage is placed on the path of failure when one or both parties surrender their standards.

Thank You

I would just like to take today to thank all of those who recognize the importance of marriage; those who try and try, and are happy to say that they're happy.  I am so grateful for good examples who brought me to the point of knowing how to succeed.  I am grateful for you who put your spouses before yourselves.  I am thankful that marriage can succeed.... because it can.  Thank you to those who have kept love alive for many, many years.  Thank you for giving the rest of us hope.  <3

Financial Agreement

I've asked permission to share a dear friend's story, so here it is:

My friend has been married for 20-something years.  She is married to a good man, and they have BEAUTIFUL children and grandchildren.  From the outside looking in, they have a fabulous marriage with limited problems.... but that's not the case.  A few years back, my friend had to close a business in which she had invested several thousand dollars.  The husband, afraid of being dragged down with her, proclaimed his financial independence.  He said, "you're on your own".

Point 1:  In a marriage, there is no "on your own".

So she had to open her own bank account and make her own money.  For years she has not had a husband to help her financially.  Now more present, a situation has come about (by no fault of this self-sacrificing, all-giving woman) that requires her to hire a lawyer.  When it first came up, her husband said, once again, "you're on your own".  He just doesn't have time for this nonsense.

Point 2:  You must always make time for your spouse when they are in need.

The husband has minor surgery coming up, and will not be able to work for a little while.  When this came up, he said to my friend, "I'm going to need you to support me for a few months while I rest."  It's hard to imagine the kind of humility one has to have to not say "Excuse me?!  You have left me financially responsible for myself for years and now you want me to help you?!"  But, although she has some hard feelings, she knows it is in the interest of their marriage to do what she can.

Point 3:  Self-sacrifice is sometimes necessary.

Hello Again

I spent the weekend in the mountains with my family and wonderful husband, so I didn't have access to the computer.  Pardon me.

But it's a brand new week and I want to address, again, the topic of physical intimacy.  I know a couple who never showed affection.  Holding hands was a rarity, let alone intimacy in the bedroom.  In fact, things got so cold that the husband ended up sleeping downstairs most nights.  He wanted to share that kind of a relationship with his wife, but she just "wasn't raised to be that way".  Her parents were the same way.  Her parents lived with it.... this couple, however, did not.  They are now divorced.  There were other factors, of course, but the truth of the matter is that a marriage cannot thrive when the relationship is no more than two people living in the same house.  I cannot stress enough the importance of this part of marriage!!!  IT IS SOOOOOOO IMPORTANT!!!!!  If you were raised in a home where affection was limited, recognize a need for change in your own home.  Parents want us to grow up to be better than them, so even if they did show that affection, make an effort to show more.  No need to be inappropriate, but let your spouse know that you are attracted to them... and let your children see an appropriate amount of that affection.  A child wants to know that their parents are happy.  So show them.

How to "Fight"

How do you fight?  When a disagreement arises, how do you handle it?  I'll tell you one thing:  You'd better not yell.  Has a fight ever been solved, peace ever been attained, by screaming at each other?  No.  Even when the screaming ends and you go your separate ways, you haven't resolved anything.  It's just been put off until the next time.... and there WILL be a next time.

I am astounded at how many couples have a problem with this.  And the biggest part of the problem?  They don't realize it's wrong!!  Most of us are outwardly patient with almost everyone around us, and yet, when it comes to our family, we snap at the littlest things.  We've talked about patience, but let me just reiterate... BE PATIENT.  However, just because we're keeping a cool head, it doesn't mean that we're going to agree on everything... we just handle it better.  So when you disagree, here's what you do:

1. Hold hands.  It seems like a tough thing to be affectionate when you're upset with each other, but it works.  It helps to ease the tension and remind you that you love this person.


2. Remember you love this person!  This is the love of your life. If you're going to forgive anyone, shouldn't it be them?


3. Talk at a reasonable tone.  Do NOT yell.  You wouldn't yell at a stranger, so how dare you scream at the one person who is always there for you!


4. Discuss the problem.  Explain to your spouse the reason you are upset.  Be clear and descriptive, but not offensive.


5. Come up with a solution.  The discussion will be for nothing if you don't decide on a fix.  So agree to work together to solve the problem, and stick to it.  Try your hardest to please the other... Remember that we are giving 100%.

If this is the formula you use, you will be able to say truthfully that you never fight.  This isn't a fight.  It's a conversation that comes from love, and the topic is "how can we strengthen our marriage?"  When peace reigns in the home, our intimacy grows  --  Every bit of it.

Brief Message About Sex

Getting on the same page, sexually, can be a challenge.  But it's a special and sacred thing within the bonds of matrimony and should be explored and improved!  Talk to each other.  It might be awkward at first, but it is so important to discuss each other's likes and dislikes, things you may crave or making clear things that you will NEVER want to try... these all factor in to attaining a satisfying sex life.  So in this short message, that is what I hope you take away.  Don't be afraid to let your spouse know what you want.

The Family: A Proclamation to the Family

Today I'm going to let someone else do the talking.  From the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

WE DECLARE the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.


WWW.LDS.ORG

Quality Time

Yesterday was my anniversary (<3) so please excuse my absence.  I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day.

Let's talk about quality time...

To strengthen the intimacy in marriage, it's important that you spend time together.  That's obvious, isn't it?  You'd think so.  Unfortunately there are a lot of couples who think that their marriage will thrive, even if they don't make time for each other and share each other's interests.  Interests are a biggy.  My husband, for example, is a HUGE sports fan.  Before I met him I didn't really care at all about those things.  However, I want to share those things, so I have taken an interest.  And you know what?  It's awesome.  I like sports a lot, but most of all I love that we have something new to talk about.  We have something we can do together, and I'm not dragging my feet.  I make him feel like I care (which I do).  I know it can be hard.  We often resist new things, but it can open a whole new world to us!  And find NEW hobbies!  Start new traditions and activities together.  It brings you so close, and you wouldn't want them to find someone else to share all their passions with, would you?

Taking an interest  <3  Best husband ever.

Loving Yourself

I recently watched an interview with Miley Cyrus.  She mentioned that she had been hanging out with some girlfriends and they were talking about boys and she said that most of them "base their worth on the sexual favors they can do for a man."  How sad.  That sparked an interest, so not only are we going to talk about sexual intimacy today, but also about the personal emotional intimacy that we must feel with ourselves.

Physical intimacy is something we are all entitled to, but that doesn't mean we get to take advantage of our partner's body.  Sex isn't supposed to be something we dread, so if one of you is not in the mood, don't force it.  As women, we need to feel confident that if we say "no" every once in a while, our husbands will not stop loving us.  As men, you must learn that just because we aren't ready to go it doesn't reflect poorly on you.  Sometimes no just means later, not "I never wanna have sex with you again!"

It is important to be confident.  We must be self-assured and comfortable with ourselves if we are to be happy.... because how can you be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself?  Girls, you have so much more to offer than your bodies.  Guys, the world doesn't revolve around sex and you have to know that you've got a lot more going for you.  Be secure.  Practice affirmations like:  "I am worthy of love," or "I am equal to my spouse."  Remember that the relationship you build with yourself is worth everything and that having a happy marriage is dependent upon love all around.

Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy can be a tough one.  What does it mean to be spiritually intimate with your spouse?  Well, those of us who are religious tend to take what we believe seriously.  We live a life that exemplifies our faith, and it only makes sense that we would want someone who is on the same page.  There are marriages, of course, that involve 2 people of different faiths, and perhaps it works out for them in the end.  But there is no denying that spiritual mismatches can cause conflict, sadness, concern, and hurt on one or both sides.  That being said, if you are already in that kind of a situation, it is important that you:

1.  Do not compromise your beliefs.  You do not have to, nor should you, change this big part of yourself to please someone else.

2.  Respect the other's faith.  You married this person.  You knew what they believed and you can't expect that they will change.  If your plan was to marry them, then convert them, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Not that that never happens, but the success rate is nothing to brag about.

For those of us who share one religion or spiritual belief between ourselves and our spouse, that doesn't always  mean you're going to be in sync all the time.  There are many aspects to faith, and what one of you may deem SO important, the other may feel is just a guideline, or a nice idea but not for them.  This is where the intimacy comes in.  Talk to each other.  If your spouse feels strongly about something and you don't feel the same way, discuss what can be done to find a middle ground.... or, if you want to be a hero to your loved one, just do it.  Usually the things that we feel strongly about in religion can only make us better.

Being on the same page creates unity in marriage.  Trying to understand one another is a great way to strengthen that unity and grow closer as a husband and wife.  Spiritual intimacy is such a significant part of a relationship.  If you do not believe all the same things, it doesn't mean you are doomed to fail.... but the fundamentals must be discussed and agreed upon in order for you to succeed.  Know what you believe so you can have peace, and so that when children come along you know what they are going to learn growing up.  That is, a lot of the time, what it comes down to.  We can often deal with our spouse not believing exactly the same way we do, but thinking about our posterity and what they will learn from us can be intense.  We'll talk about that more another time.

Patience

Marriage is work.  We all know how it goes..... Maybe one of you is a clean freak and hates to see a dirty sock lying NEXT to the hamper instead of in it.  There are a lot of scenarios like this one, so I won't list them off.  You know what they are.  The point is, generally these things are barely worth mentioning on the scale of importance.  Patience is a key principle in marriage and we would all benefit if we practiced it a little more.  Often our patience is tested by things we later recognize as.... stupid.  For instance, let me share a story with you that paints a perfect picture of what I'm talking about:

A woman had her kitchen organized just the way she liked.  She usually did the cooking and the cleaning, fulfilling her wifely duties as a happy little homemaker.  Her husband, often busy with work and school, decided to be helpful.  What a kind thought, to do the dishes for his wonderful wife.  He first unloaded the dishwasher.  He put the plates and cups in one cupboard, the pots and pans under the stove, and the silverware in the drawer.  (Do you know where this is going?)  He put the cutting board in the cabinet above the sink, along with the liquid measuring cups and mixing bowls.  Then he preceded to load.  He put the bowls and cups on top, the plates and big things on bottom, and the silverware all willy-nilly in the basket.  He started it and walked away, feeling very good about himself, happy to help his wife.

The next day, the woman is in the kitchen preparing to make a meal.  She takes out the vegetables, the knife, and..... wait.  Where's the cutting board?  She knows she put it in the dishwasher, so it should be in the cupboard below the counter.  She has to search the kitchen and finally finds it above the sink.  She says to her husband, "Why did you put this above the sink?!  It goes down here!  I hate having to search for things in my own kitchen!"

Never mind that the man had set aside the things he could have done for entertainment or relaxation.  Never mind that he thought he was doing her a favor.  How likely do you think it is that he will offer his services again, now that she has come across as ungrateful and naggy?

How do we better approach a situation like this?  When something is done in a way we would have done differently, it is always better to come across as grateful, understanding, and PATIENT.  She could have said, "Sweetheart, thank you so much for doing the dishes.  For future reference, the cutting board actually goes down here."  There are far too many people who jump down their loved ones' throats when a simple explanation is all it takes.  We have to be patient if we want our marriage to last.  Otherwise, we'll get angry one too many times and perhaps just throw in the towel.  This is not the way it should be.  Like I said in the beginning, marriage is work.  So work hard and allow each other a few mistakes.

Dating... And a little about me

Let's talk a little about me...  Just so you know who you're taking advice from. ;)  I come from a family where divorce is rampant.  I'm an observer of families, especially couples.  I like to believe I've learned from the mistakes of others, and from my own.  I am passionate about creating functional marriages and helping others where I can.  I am not a doctor, I'm a hairstylist (which on its own opens my eyes to a world of people-who-need-help).... but I'm gonna be going to school soon to major in Marriage and Family Studies, with a minor in psychology.  I can't wait!  I'm not an expert on paper, but I feel that my experiences and observations have given me a good insight. So take all I say, think about it, and decide what works for you.

They Are So In Love!

Now I want to address something more on-topic.  Just briefly, I want to talk about dating.  When I got married, we were advised by someone very wise to date once a week.  As college students we don't make a lot of money, but dating is still possible and we follow that council.  In fact, someone else just recently reiterated to us the importance of this resolution!  You don't have to go out to dinner and a movie... in fact, that gets boring.  Dating is spending time together.  Sometimes, we call grocery shopping our date night.  Sometimes that's all we can do.  There are some great ideas if you Google "cheap date ideas for married couples".  Dating is an important step in keeping love alive.  It's how we nurture our marriage!  I hear so many people say "We just don't have time or money for dating now that we have kids."  But you know what?  There are a lot of other people that feel that way, and I know that a lot of the concern is paying for a babysitter.  If you find that couple that feels the same way you do (which isn't hard), you can trade off babysitting!  Even if it's just every other week, or maybe once a month... it's a great deal to make.  You can just drop them off and have a lovely evening at home.  I myself do not yet have any children, so many might say I don't understand.  Maybe I don't.  I do know that having children is a blessing, but you can't let it hinder the romance.

P.S. How's it coming with giving 100%?

First Point

The topic of intimacy is often something that can make us uncomfortable... especially because we immediately think about sex, and that can be awkward.  But because that is one thing that really seems to put a stress on so many marriages (especially new marriages where the couple may still be trying to get in sync), this is what I want to address first.

Sexual intimacy is essential to a properly functioning marriage.  Why?  Sex brings us close.  Closer than we could ever hope to be in any plutonic relationship.  It creates a bond that strengthens our love, and not only that...  IT'S FUN!  And shouldn't we have fun together?  That is how we should perceive sex.  Not just as something we're obligated to do because - especially as women - we feel that sex is all we have to offer, or that our spouse will stop loving us if we don't put out... but it should be something we WANT to do - for ourselves, as well as for our spouse.  We've all read the magazines that talk about the benefits of sex, and it's true!  It can improve our physical and mental health, ward off a cold, or make us feel like we're on top of the world.  Sex is so important.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:

While men are most often the ones to initiate sexual intimacy, women do not as frequently feel like this is the most important thing.  We want to feel loved and appreciated as a woman and we want to feel sexy, but we don't always want to jump right into bed.  A man tends to feel loved when sex is involved.  What about women?  We are more emotionally stimulated.  We are all about quality time, conversation, and acts of service (Check out The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman).  Sure we enjoy a good romp, but we don't always value it the way a man does.  It is important to us that our husbands show us how much they appreciate us on an emotional level and make sure to cater to our emotions, but girls - the same applies to us when it comes to sex.  We may not feel the same carnal need that men do, but we love them and we want them to be happy and satisfied.  So this is a challenge I issue for the week:  Help your spouse feel loved and appreciated, in whatever way they deem most valuable.  Think 100% about the other - That is the most important lesson in marriage.  It is not a 50/50 thing.  If you both give 100%, you can and will BOTH be happy.